God is God

Over the past two days my heart has been exploding with absolute joy!!!

Since I've been a Christian, things have gotten pretty weird in my friendships.
I can only imagine how freaked out my friends are as they have watched me transform into someone I have never been. I love my friends so much but God was tugging on my heart to change my life style for Him, so I did. This means I did not go back home for the summer and I let go of the HUGE party scene I was apart of. Some friends have stuck by my side and some friends have distanced themselves but either way it has been very hard for me to watch them continue an empty lifestyle that I use to be so deeply rooted in. My heart broke for my friends during the few times I visited home over the summer. I use to think what we did was normal but God really changed my heart and showed me how broken it really was. My last visit I cried the whole way home because each and every conversation I had with a loved one I could hear and feel the sorrow and emptiness in them. I get a lot of "you seem so happy" and "you're so different" when I get back home and I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "IT'S BECAUSE I KNOW JESUS NOW," but I lack courage. I was trying to find "cool" ways to show Jesus to my friends but I just fell short. My heart was broken and I was so disappointed in myself because I couldn't be that light in my friend's lives.

After sharing this frustration to someone who is also from my hometown and use to be in that exact same friend group, we came to the conclusion that God is God and He is going to do what He's going to do. We can't do anything about that! Of course I fell short because I am not God! I felt very relieved to have come to this realization but my heart was still turning as I watched my friends spiral deeper into their lifestyles. I started a prayer journal where I wrote out every single friend and family member that I want to know Jesus (the list is long) but my very best friend was at the top of that list. This girl holds such a special place in my heart. I've seen her go through more than I've ever watched anyone go through and she comes out of it joking, laughing and dancing. I always envied her care-free spirit but loved being around it. She's not much of a serious person and I use to think, "ah, she's just fun and goofy, that's just her," but she really does push down all the junk in her life which is very unhealthy. She's a wild card and when I became a believer I wanted so badly for her to be one too but she really wasn't into it. We met at Young Life camp and we went to Wilderness (a Young Life mountain backpacking trip) the summer after our senior year. I will never ever forget my dearest best friend, who can never stay serious for more than 5 minutes, shed tears because she KNEW she was broken and something was missing. When I became a believer I started praying that one day she would start to listen to God when He calls her because I know in my heart He does.

Well people, she heard Him.

She texted me yesterday about how she feels like God is calling her to do more but she doesn't know what to do or how to talk to Him. She said that she feels sad all the time and she really believes that something is missing and that something is Jesus but she doesn't know the first step. Never in the 4 years of our friendship have I heard her cry out for The Lord like that and I know heaven was rejoicing with trumpet sounds! I couldn't believe that:
1) She wanted to ask me what the first step is.
2) God had answered my prayers.

I cannot wait for the day that the Holy Spirit fills up her life in ways that she cannot comprehend and I thank the Lord that He allowed me to be apart of it.

Just remember,
God is God and He's going to do what He's going to do.

Day 1 Paleo!

I have decided to start a paleo diet after doing lots of research and realizing that this diet is simply foods that we were meant to eat! I'm not doing this for any other reason than to be healthy and feel better because I am eating all natural foods. 

For those of you that don't know what paleo is, it is also known as the cave man diet. You stick to plant based and animal based foods and take out anything that is not natural.

I feel strongly about eating clean especially in college when you are constantly on the go. It's important to have natural energy and to not make yourself sick over the endless amounts of pizza, sweets and take out food that is so available to you when in college.

This morning I made healthy paleo pancakes and wanted to share the amazing recipe with yall. 

All it takes is 1 banana and 2 eggs (ground flax seeds or plain oatmeal is optional).

You mix together the banana and eggs to get a soupy texture. Then, you fry them on a skillet! So easy and so yummy! I also used honey as syrup. I decided to use ground flax seeds because it's good for your digestive system! 

I plan to keep yall updated on my paleo/health journey! 

Love, Alyssa 

End of Summer Blues

As the last week of summer approaches and I am drowning in before school stress, time crunch on organization and the process of moving out of one living space into another, I have been filled with thankfulness for all this summer has given to me. I have experienced and learned so many things in the past three months that will be with me forever.

I’ve learned that independence is a gift some people can’t easily receive.

This summer allowed me to transition from depending on my mom for money to slowly becoming financially independent. I have ran into many money obstacles this summer and in the midst of utter chaos I was taught how to be wise with spending. The biggest blessing I have yet to receive in my life was the opportunity to live in a home for free… No rent. This opportunity not only helped me reach my savings goal but has also softened my heart and humbled me in ways I can’t express. Working two jobs, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and trying to keep myself sane during times of loneliness are things that I never would have thought would be blessings. Every time I went home I saw people that would be so far deep in their mess that they really don’t know how to escape it. They just can’t seem to get out of their parents house which can be such a struggle for some people and I realized that it is difficult to grow up fast but it is also the best thing that could happen to me! The challenges I’ve faced this summer were not impossible to overcome, which has given me a confidence in myself that I’ve never had before.

Living four hours away from my friends and family that I have spent my whole life with was not as hard as I anticipated. Of course my heart would start to break and I would ache to be with the people I love but that was a sign that I just needed to take a quick visit. I have come to the realization, as hard as it was for me to understand, that everything is changing. My relationships, friendships and lifestyle will constantly be changing and as difficult and strange as it gets, I have to be okay with that! When you put your entire heart and soul into people that are going to change it only leaves you dry and empty, no matter how much you love them. Letting go of anyone has always been a struggle for me. It’s one of my downfalls that I have had to come face to face with many times in my life and it has never been an easy process. This summer has taught me that God has given me specific people that I won’t have to let go of but our relationship will never be what it once was. No matter where I’m at in life there are friends I can call that will always answer. I have become so reliant on God and His plan for me that letting go has become easier on my heart.

All the fears that tried to follow me over this summer have been defeated solely by the experiences I’ve had living in Denton and becoming so independent. A verse that I have probably seen before but I read in a different light came across me the other day… “but perfect love casts out fear” 1 John 4:18.

I hope each summer for the years to come will help me overcome any fear of mine. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of blessings I’ve received in people, events and out of God’s love. I’m ready to take on this semester with a new head on my shoulders.

Dallas

The past couple of days were spent exploring the city of Dallas with my mom and sister. Our short lived family vacation came with lots of laughs, stories and discoveries and it was time well spent to say the least.

Day 1: After driving to the wrong airport and to 3 different parking lots I finally found my mom and sister. It would have been way too weird if we had an easier way to meet up with each other. We got to our hotel to unload, which was the Hyatt Regency located right next to Reunion Tower in downtown Dallas. Our suite had a beautiful view of the city and an entire dining room area connected to it. We got ready and headed to Klyde Warren Park to eat at the food trailers for an early dinner. Though the heat was taking a hard beating on us, I still enjoyed the company of the city buildings surrounding us and the catch-up conversation of the two people that mean the most to me. We walked around the park and rode the trolley, which only went around the block, before we headed back to the hotel to watch dramatic reality TV together. My mom got us snacks and wine to enjoy as we laughed and mocked the lives of the people starring in “Bachelor in Paradise.” I think we laughed until we fell asleep that night.

Day 2: I woke up around 7:45 AM and shared coffee with my mom while we chit-chatted about our separate lives. It was so strange to me to be sitting with my mom early morning in a hotel, catching her up on my endless stories that go in my life and then listening to her every day life. The woman I came home to every night, who raised me, I now have to keep her up to date with phone calls and short visits.I love it though... If I could keep those moments somehow I would go back to them every single morning. My sister woke up and the three of us got ready for our day. We found the most delicious southern breakfast place right in the middle of downtown and devoured endless amounts of carbs together. After, my mom took us to the Bank of America building to show us the 64th floor (where she use to work) and the underground city beneath the building. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I now live 40 minutes away from this city that holds so much adventure. After breakfast we headed to the Dallas Zoo. We spent the entire day walking around admiring the animals and our company. I had no idea that going to the zoo would be so much fun! The three of us girls can find the “funny” in just about anything so even as the day got hotter and our attitudes grew cranky, we still laughed at ourselves. That’s the best part about being with my mom and sister… We are all one big mess but being messy together makes life more enjoyable. After feeding giraffes, playing with monkeys and watching a dinosaur puppet show (of course Mollie’s idea), we grabbed an early dinner and headed back to the hotel.

“Night two of the dramatic premiere of this season’s Bachelor in Paradise.” Oh yes, that’s right, another night of drama. What are the odds that we plan a two night vacation together on both the nights our favorite reality TV show is premiering? We are THAT kind of family. After the show ended we went over to Reunion Tower. It was about 9PM and we were on top of the city. The lights sparkled through the dark of the night and we watched the city buzz below us. It was beautiful and I felt so lucky to be living in such a beautiful city. We took lots of pictures and explored all the tourist-y things the tower had to offer. We went back to our hotel and watched TV, drank wine and ate chocolate together quietly. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy such relaxing time if I had a huge family with a bunch of boys in it. It makes me appreciate my small, happy family.

Day 3:

We packed our things and got ready for our departure. Before we split my mom drove us around the neighborhood she lived in when she was in her early 20s. She showed us the house her and my dad lived in before they got married and all the cool hangouts back then. I was grumpy and in a bad mood while we were driving around but it was cool to see how my mom’s life, when she was about my age, is 40 minutes down the street from where my life is today. I created a bad mood for myself because I think I wasn’t ready to be apart from them again. I love living life here and getting to see them every once in a while but it hit me on this trip that this is it! Our tight knit trio is now only together on visits and holidays and I live a busy separate life from them. The travel bug in me wanted to plan trips everywhere with them. On my drive back to Denton I kept thinking of us three cuddled up in hotels in Australia, Spain, California, New York… Just living life together before we split. God has given me a special gift with my mom and sister. I know our lives are separate but we always find a way back to each other, laughing and joking about the same things. Praise the Lord for endless family blessings!

Heavy Heart

I use to think it was normal to feel down or depressed. ‘Everyone gets sad, everyone needs to numb the pain somehow. Bad things happen to all people so you ride the wave and it eventually will pass, that’s how life works, right?’ As I’ve distanced myself from the town I’ve grown up in and have become independent, I feel like I am running away from the murky waters that everyone I love is drowning in. When I visit home it’s as if I’m standing at the edge of those waters begging people to grab my hand but I am too weak to pull them out. I am weak, it’s true! I don’t know how to drag people out of their mess but something inside of me aches to every day. Lately, my heart has been heavy with the burdens of loved ones and as much as I want to tell these people my thoughts I can’t seem to get them out vocally so I’ll try it here...

A letter to the broken:

Waking up gets harder and going to sleep becomes easier. Conversations with people you have known your whole life are empty. The drunken social gatherings isn’t a weekend hobby anymore but the only time you are comfortable. Or, the thought of being surrounded by anyone feels like hard work that you are too burnt out to give. It’s not normal, I don’t know why it has ever been perceived by society that these shifts in emotions and demeanor in a young adolescent’s life is normal. I have encountered too many people that are more comfortable with being broken than they are with seeking joy. You may read this as entirely too cheesy and emotional but it has never been so clear to me how many people are in a place of despair that believe it’s where they belong.

My very best friend said, “if something were to happen to me, if I died tomorrow, I would be totally fine with it.” Someone I care about very much said, “I just can’t wait to meet someone that loves me as much as I love them.” I wanted to grab their faces in those moments and shake them. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, “I wouldn’t be totally fine with it!”... “I love you as much as you love me, hell... I probably love you more!” But I didn’t say a thing. I am one person and the way I love them will not give them the light they are so desperately searching for.

Love yourself my dear friends! Find that thing that makes you happy like no other mere human being can fulfill. Leave and go places you’ve never been before that will cause you to distort the way you have always looked at the world. For some reason leaving is a way of discovering yourself and maybe you will discover that your heart is indeed broken and it’s time for you to fix it. PLEASE forgive yourself, forgive others, otherwise the bitterness inside of you will consume every aspect of your life.

I can’t stop thinking about what I can do or say but there’s nothing. I truly believe that The Lord has a plan for everyone and I am trying to fit my way into everyone’s plan but I am learning maybe it’s not my place. I can’t wait to see these people I love come to a place of peace.

I’m praying for light in the dark places of this world.

I love myself!

Summer where did you go? July hit me like a bus!

As the month of June passed, so did my anxieties and fears of being alone. One thing that has really been revealed to me is that loneliness is a fear that a person CAN overcome. I have always been the person to fill up every single second of every day with a to-do list. I fill up my schedule until I have no room to breathe and suddenly, when summer came around, I had hours in the day when all my friends were at work and I was stuck with nobody but myself. I thought that to be alone meant that all I had was time to let my dark thoughts consume me. I started picking up more hours at the restaurant I worked at just so that way I wouldn't have any free time to spare. That backfired on me when my manager asked me not to work for 5 days in a row because I went over my maximum amount of hours for that week. Time became my biggest enemy as I tried to speed it up as fast as I could.

I went back home to celebrate my 19th birthday with my family and friends and for 48 hours I probably only slept a total of 6 because I was so jam-packed with company. I was constantly with people, conversation was continually flowing or I was on the move to my next destination. I spent the daylight soaking up the sun with people so familiar to me that I felt as if I never left home. I appeared to be so free in the sense that I had not one hour of loneliness and I thought to myself, "this is how I should feel all the time." I even faced my fears and had breakfast with someone who I thought I could never forgive and a terrible memory of a person became a peaceful one. Everything was wonderful, my emotions were controlled and for the first time in a while I felt at ease. I drove back to Denton after my restless birthday weekend and the second I walked in my room of the empty house I was staying in, my lungs closed up on me. I started sweating and crying as a wave of pure fear hurled over me. I was alone. I paced back and forth as I tried to control my anxiety attack. There was no conversation, no familiar faces, no laughter around me. Silence could not get any louder. I had no idea what to do so I prayed to God to give me peace. I finally controlled my breathing and tears and began writing in my journal every emotion I had just experienced.

The next day, I went to the square (downtown Denton) and sat on the grass with a few books and journals. I tried to read, I tried to write, but I felt this need to do absolutely nothing. So I did. I lied in the grass with my eyes closed for about an hour and did nothing. I had no dark thoughts, no anxiety attacks, no feelings. All that I could feel was the warm air on my skin and all I could hear was the buzz of life around me. All of a sudden it wasn't so bad to be by myself. I could feel God asking me, "why don't you trust me?"

The Lord has given me so much peace in overcoming the fear of being alone. I get lost in books, I write until I cannot move my hand, I go on long early morning runs and I make healthier meals for myself. I have been given time to myself to do nothing but love myself. To love yourself is something that is not often practiced in this world and I am overwhelmed with joy and gratefulness that I have been given such blissful time to find the things that truly make me happy.

What is it that you love about yourself?

Praise God for such an amazing lesson!

Sunday Morning Shift

Yesterday, June 14, 2015, I had day that is very much notable.

Most waitresses would agree that Sunday mornings are busy shifts with many guests coming from church. As the hustle and bustle of the morning shift at Babe's continued I was having a rough morning. Spilling drinks, dropping plates, forgetting things, etc. A very gentle couple in their early 40s sits at one of my tables and when I go to greet them they tell me to come back because one more person is joining them. When I saw an older man sit down across from the couple I go to get their drink orders. As I am serving the three of them I find out that the older man is from California (who's name I learn later is Pastor Gabe) and is visiting Texas to guest speak at a church that the man across from him is a pastor at (his name was Pastor Billy). I ask what church it is and they tell me it's off of the high way in Fort Worth.
"Oh I bet I pass it a million times because that's on the way home for me," I responded.
They ask me where home is and I tell them Austin and they follow up by asking me what I am doing here. I explain that I just finished my freshman year at UNT in Denton.
Pastor Billy collected a puzzled look on his face, "So you have only been in one year of school, your family lives 4 hours away and it's the summertime... Why are you here?"
I explained to the three of them that I have 2 jobs and I'm saving up to pay for my apartment and school expenses.
As I tended to my other tables and ran around like a chicken with it's head cut off as I grabbed what each of my tables needed. "How is everything tasting," I ask Pastor Gabe since he was out of state and had never ate here before. His response was, "almost as good as this service I'm receiving." My confidence went through the roof and I stopped sweating and really started to get the flow in the chaos of my shift. I look over and my manager is talking to my table of 3. He shortly calls me into his office and said to me, "Alyssa I don't know what you are feeding them or telling them but I have never gotten a complement like that from a guest about a server. He told me that if he ever opened a restaurant that he would do whatever it takes to hire you away from us."
I go back to my table to thank them for speaking highly of me to my manager and Pastor Gabe tells me that he really wants me to hear him speak at their church tonight. I nervously laugh and he continues to be persistent in his invitation. I finally say, "you know what, what the heck. I'll be there!"
Pastor Gabe looks at me and says, "Alyssa, I've been in Texas for about 3 days now and every day I wanted to go to a 'Texas-y' restaurant. Today I said let's go somewhere with fried chicken so we came to Babe's. But now I know that we didn't come here to eat fried chicken, I think we are here to meet you."
Flattered, I thanked him and told him that I would come see him speak later.
Pastor Gabe stands up to leave and says, "I feel like I could help you with school Alyssa, I want to stay in touch."
So there I was, halfway through my shift, completely filled with all sorts of confidence and emotion from these pastors that I served fried chicken to. As soon as I got off of work I called my mom and of course she's completely sketched out by the whole thing. I call a few friends and I find one, Nolan, to tag along with me to hear Pastor Gabe speak. I tell Nolan the story in the car as we drive 45 min away to find this church.

We pull in to a parking lot of a building smaller than any church I've ever seen. Skeptical, but interested, we walked in and there was probably about 20 people sitting in a living sized room. Pastor Gabe runs and grabs me and Nolan and sits us up front and Pastor Billy, the very calm customer I served earlier that morning yelled, "Here is my waitress!!!"
All the people clapped and yelled, "Amen."
Nolan and I couldn't look at each other because we were both thinking the same thing; 'what is going on.'
Pastor Gabe stood up to speak and introduced me many times through out his speech. He told stories of healing people and speaking in tongues and the people in the "crowd" were clapping and throwing their hands up and screaming out things like, "Glory to God."
Everything that Pastor Gabe said was biblical so I kept thinking to myself, "is it really crazy if it's all correct to what I believe?"
Almost two hours into the service, Pastor Gabe started calling people to the altar who felt that "if they died tonight they were not sure they could get into Heaven."
About 10 people (half of us there) went to the front and fell to their knees as they cried and trembled. Pastor Gabe started speaking in tongues and Hebrew and said that he was going to drive out the demons and doubt these people had in their hearts. He said at one point, "God is telling me that someone here is addicted to nicotine and patches aren't working. He wants me to take out the addiction from you! Come to the altar, Glory to God!!"

At this point in the night I am thinking in my head, 'I am a waitress. I am a waitress where I talk to hundreds of customers a day and now here I am at the church of one of those hundred customers. Okay.'
I leaned to Nolan and whispered, "let's sneak out of here."
"I feel like I am in a movie," Nolan whispered back to me.
We slowly get up and leave the church service. Pastor Billy CHASED after us to thank us for attending. The second we got in the car to drive away I laughed so hard I was in tears.
Nolan and I decided that everything that they talked about was biblically right but it was not how we worship God and that's okay that they do. Everyone was kind and happy, nothing was wrong about it but WOW... talk about passionate!
What an experience that was.

Moral of the story: Being a waitress means you can meet people that might convince you that you are the most amazing person in the world because you are serving them awesome food when they are hungry. Do not go to church with them.