I love myself!

Summer where did you go? July hit me like a bus!

As the month of June passed, so did my anxieties and fears of being alone. One thing that has really been revealed to me is that loneliness is a fear that a person CAN overcome. I have always been the person to fill up every single second of every day with a to-do list. I fill up my schedule until I have no room to breathe and suddenly, when summer came around, I had hours in the day when all my friends were at work and I was stuck with nobody but myself. I thought that to be alone meant that all I had was time to let my dark thoughts consume me. I started picking up more hours at the restaurant I worked at just so that way I wouldn't have any free time to spare. That backfired on me when my manager asked me not to work for 5 days in a row because I went over my maximum amount of hours for that week. Time became my biggest enemy as I tried to speed it up as fast as I could.

I went back home to celebrate my 19th birthday with my family and friends and for 48 hours I probably only slept a total of 6 because I was so jam-packed with company. I was constantly with people, conversation was continually flowing or I was on the move to my next destination. I spent the daylight soaking up the sun with people so familiar to me that I felt as if I never left home. I appeared to be so free in the sense that I had not one hour of loneliness and I thought to myself, "this is how I should feel all the time." I even faced my fears and had breakfast with someone who I thought I could never forgive and a terrible memory of a person became a peaceful one. Everything was wonderful, my emotions were controlled and for the first time in a while I felt at ease. I drove back to Denton after my restless birthday weekend and the second I walked in my room of the empty house I was staying in, my lungs closed up on me. I started sweating and crying as a wave of pure fear hurled over me. I was alone. I paced back and forth as I tried to control my anxiety attack. There was no conversation, no familiar faces, no laughter around me. Silence could not get any louder. I had no idea what to do so I prayed to God to give me peace. I finally controlled my breathing and tears and began writing in my journal every emotion I had just experienced.

The next day, I went to the square (downtown Denton) and sat on the grass with a few books and journals. I tried to read, I tried to write, but I felt this need to do absolutely nothing. So I did. I lied in the grass with my eyes closed for about an hour and did nothing. I had no dark thoughts, no anxiety attacks, no feelings. All that I could feel was the warm air on my skin and all I could hear was the buzz of life around me. All of a sudden it wasn't so bad to be by myself. I could feel God asking me, "why don't you trust me?"

The Lord has given me so much peace in overcoming the fear of being alone. I get lost in books, I write until I cannot move my hand, I go on long early morning runs and I make healthier meals for myself. I have been given time to myself to do nothing but love myself. To love yourself is something that is not often practiced in this world and I am overwhelmed with joy and gratefulness that I have been given such blissful time to find the things that truly make me happy.

What is it that you love about yourself?

Praise God for such an amazing lesson!

Sunday Morning Shift

Yesterday, June 14, 2015, I had day that is very much notable.

Most waitresses would agree that Sunday mornings are busy shifts with many guests coming from church. As the hustle and bustle of the morning shift at Babe's continued I was having a rough morning. Spilling drinks, dropping plates, forgetting things, etc. A very gentle couple in their early 40s sits at one of my tables and when I go to greet them they tell me to come back because one more person is joining them. When I saw an older man sit down across from the couple I go to get their drink orders. As I am serving the three of them I find out that the older man is from California (who's name I learn later is Pastor Gabe) and is visiting Texas to guest speak at a church that the man across from him is a pastor at (his name was Pastor Billy). I ask what church it is and they tell me it's off of the high way in Fort Worth.
"Oh I bet I pass it a million times because that's on the way home for me," I responded.
They ask me where home is and I tell them Austin and they follow up by asking me what I am doing here. I explain that I just finished my freshman year at UNT in Denton.
Pastor Billy collected a puzzled look on his face, "So you have only been in one year of school, your family lives 4 hours away and it's the summertime... Why are you here?"
I explained to the three of them that I have 2 jobs and I'm saving up to pay for my apartment and school expenses.
As I tended to my other tables and ran around like a chicken with it's head cut off as I grabbed what each of my tables needed. "How is everything tasting," I ask Pastor Gabe since he was out of state and had never ate here before. His response was, "almost as good as this service I'm receiving." My confidence went through the roof and I stopped sweating and really started to get the flow in the chaos of my shift. I look over and my manager is talking to my table of 3. He shortly calls me into his office and said to me, "Alyssa I don't know what you are feeding them or telling them but I have never gotten a complement like that from a guest about a server. He told me that if he ever opened a restaurant that he would do whatever it takes to hire you away from us."
I go back to my table to thank them for speaking highly of me to my manager and Pastor Gabe tells me that he really wants me to hear him speak at their church tonight. I nervously laugh and he continues to be persistent in his invitation. I finally say, "you know what, what the heck. I'll be there!"
Pastor Gabe looks at me and says, "Alyssa, I've been in Texas for about 3 days now and every day I wanted to go to a 'Texas-y' restaurant. Today I said let's go somewhere with fried chicken so we came to Babe's. But now I know that we didn't come here to eat fried chicken, I think we are here to meet you."
Flattered, I thanked him and told him that I would come see him speak later.
Pastor Gabe stands up to leave and says, "I feel like I could help you with school Alyssa, I want to stay in touch."
So there I was, halfway through my shift, completely filled with all sorts of confidence and emotion from these pastors that I served fried chicken to. As soon as I got off of work I called my mom and of course she's completely sketched out by the whole thing. I call a few friends and I find one, Nolan, to tag along with me to hear Pastor Gabe speak. I tell Nolan the story in the car as we drive 45 min away to find this church.

We pull in to a parking lot of a building smaller than any church I've ever seen. Skeptical, but interested, we walked in and there was probably about 20 people sitting in a living sized room. Pastor Gabe runs and grabs me and Nolan and sits us up front and Pastor Billy, the very calm customer I served earlier that morning yelled, "Here is my waitress!!!"
All the people clapped and yelled, "Amen."
Nolan and I couldn't look at each other because we were both thinking the same thing; 'what is going on.'
Pastor Gabe stood up to speak and introduced me many times through out his speech. He told stories of healing people and speaking in tongues and the people in the "crowd" were clapping and throwing their hands up and screaming out things like, "Glory to God."
Everything that Pastor Gabe said was biblical so I kept thinking to myself, "is it really crazy if it's all correct to what I believe?"
Almost two hours into the service, Pastor Gabe started calling people to the altar who felt that "if they died tonight they were not sure they could get into Heaven."
About 10 people (half of us there) went to the front and fell to their knees as they cried and trembled. Pastor Gabe started speaking in tongues and Hebrew and said that he was going to drive out the demons and doubt these people had in their hearts. He said at one point, "God is telling me that someone here is addicted to nicotine and patches aren't working. He wants me to take out the addiction from you! Come to the altar, Glory to God!!"

At this point in the night I am thinking in my head, 'I am a waitress. I am a waitress where I talk to hundreds of customers a day and now here I am at the church of one of those hundred customers. Okay.'
I leaned to Nolan and whispered, "let's sneak out of here."
"I feel like I am in a movie," Nolan whispered back to me.
We slowly get up and leave the church service. Pastor Billy CHASED after us to thank us for attending. The second we got in the car to drive away I laughed so hard I was in tears.
Nolan and I decided that everything that they talked about was biblically right but it was not how we worship God and that's okay that they do. Everyone was kind and happy, nothing was wrong about it but WOW... talk about passionate!
What an experience that was.

Moral of the story: Being a waitress means you can meet people that might convince you that you are the most amazing person in the world because you are serving them awesome food when they are hungry. Do not go to church with them.

Home

As came back to my college "home" from visiting my "hometown" I kind of felt like a vagabond, someone with no permanent home. It's the weirdest feeling to pull into the driveway of the house you've grown up in since you were eight years old and to be flooded by nostalgia as you drive through the streets you've explored your whole life, yet feel like a such a stranger. I thought something was wrong with me because I couldn't just enjoy that I am home. I HAD to be overwhelmed with the contradicting feelings of all the positive and negative things that have happened to me as I've grown up. As I celebrated my sister graduating high school with my family and friends I was joyful but at the same time I wouldn't let myself get attached because I knew I was going to pack up and leave.

I said about 345 times as I talked to old friends, "this is so weird." I loved seeing everyone and how they have changed and grown but it was so sobering. The people I put all my love and time in are doing different things with their time, I'm even doing different things with my time. There wasn't one thing that felt the same or one person that was the same.

I was filled with so much emotion because I know that "home" is not a place anymore. It can't be. My house has different furniture and fresh paint on the walls. My room is bland and my bed doesn't feel like my own. The town I've grown up in has new houses, gas stations and ice cream shops. I can't soak up those places anymore and call it my home because it is forever changing, which is partly why I think I was so emotional.

My home can't be my college town either because when I graduate where will I go? I can't stay in one place forever wishing that I will eventually get comfortable because there is something in me that won't let me get attached to anything.
So what do you do when you don't want to go back to where you were but you don't want to be where you are?
I think God gave me a heart of a wanderer, where I can't get attached to a certain place for too long. Of course I feel like I don't belong anywhere because I yet have so many places to go. I've never been outside of America or to Tennessee or New Hampshire, how do I know I don't belong there?

Coming home after a year off at college was difficult for me, not because it's hard to follow the rules of my mothers' house but because I am growing and constantly changing and to feel comfortable in one place isn't what my heart wants anymore.

So advice to the young audience who may be feeling a type of "homesick" that isn't associated with their hometown like I am... Fill your time, thoughts and actions with loving the people who make it "home." The moments I spend with my family is where I feel at home. The time I spend working to save money so I can pay for my college and eventually graduate to have a career is when I feel at home. Exploring the places I've never been is when I feel at home. Running outside with no music is when I feel at home. Home is what will establish you and what I have discovered it is ultimately what makes up who you are. The change that comes with post college is a good thing because you can't move forward if you stay the same. Find who you are and what is important and that will be your home forever.

Happy June ☀️

Happy June 1st!

June is absolutely, 100% my favorite month of the year. The marker for the beginning of summer, June carries so much excitement in my heart. No matter what circumstances I am in during this time of the year, there is something about the beautiful sunny mornings, warm night air and bright atmosphere that brings me back to a peaceful state. When I was little I spent the month of June at my dad's house in Plano, TX every year. My little sister and I didn't have many friends to play with there, yet spending every minute in the Texas sun was enough for the both of us. As I got older, specifically through out high school, for some reason June carried a lot of pain for me. One year I found out I got cheated on, the next my grandfather passed and my heart was shattered from many different broken relationships I had at the time. Each night I gave myself a time of peace by sitting on the trunk of my car at midnight, not doing a thing except basking in the silence and cool breeze. Through all the pain of my circumstances I couldn't get enough of the night air.

Although I had hard times, there were many joyful days in June I spent at camps, the lake or just running around outside that completely canceled out the painful memories.

The other day I found a journal while unpacking my things that documented each summer since 2012. It was difficult to read through but when I was done I was taken back by what all I have really been through each summer. The love I have for June erased the pain it had brought me from the past and I am so greateful for that! 

Therefore, I want to hold on to my admiration for this summer month by spending every day outside in it's goodness, no matter what comes my way! I plan to read many books, go fishing, find the secrets of Dallas and consume lots of vitamin D.

Cheers to June!

Love, Alyssa 

Health Tips

Living a healthy lifestyle is something that is pretty important to me and I try to incorporate exercise and healthy foods into my every day life. I was never really taught how to live a healthy every day life and had to learn through friends and the internet. I picked up a few things and I am pretty proud of my little routine I have made for myself! I wanted to share what I do daily in hope that it would encourage some people who are looking for some healthy habits but might be a little lost.

Exercise routine:

For a quick morning workout: (or any time of the day)

-Run 2 miles (at least 1 mile if you're not much of a runner)
-20 jumping jacks, 20 jumping lunges, 20 squats, 20 burpees, 20 push-ups and 20 sit ups (repeat 3 times)

If you go to the gym:

Monday's- Routine above + legs (you can make up your own leg workout plan)

Tuesday's- Routine above + arms & abs

Wednesday's- Routine above + more cardio (stair steppers for 10 minutes, bike for 3 miles, run sprints)

Thursday's- Routine above + arms & abs

Friday's- Routine above + legs

Saturday & Sunday- I typically just do the morning routine above. 

Food:

Breakfast: Greek Yogurt PLAIN with honey, granola, strawberries & blueberries
OR scrambled egg whites with cheese, avocado & spinach. DON'T SKIP- most important meal of the day :)
Lunch: White meat chicken with brown rice, mixed veggie salad with chicken, pretty much anything with protein in it plus veggies.
Dinner: Grilled tilapia or salmon, white meat chicken, all natural ground beef, sweet potatoes, green beans, brown rice.
Snacks in between meals: Apples and peanut butter, carrots and humus, cheese string or the little cheese wheels that are in a red shell, almonds (or any type of nuts), banana's with peanut butter, mixed berries and nuts, greek yogurt cups.
It is super important to eat through out the day, especially if you are on the move a lot. I also have low blood sugar so I need to have energy to keep going.


I hope this is helpful, it sure is for me! If you have any other suggestions or questions I would love to hear them, feel free to comment.

Love, Alyssa

A New Home

As the week has wound down, my mind has been oozing out thoughts of overwhelming happiness. I am at an unbelief at what God is throwing in my lap. Sometimes opportunities from God are misinterpreted. Sometimes I think I am a victim and nothing good will come out of this life and I have been proven wrong.

My freshman year has come to a close this week as I wrapped up my finals and packed my things to move out of my dorm. Earlier in the semester I decided to live in Denton for the summer and the plan was to live with my brother who is just down the road. As summer crept up on me my plan to live with my brother started to fall apart. He finally told me, only 2 weeks before I was suppose to move in, that he was moving 45 minutes away from Denton. My backup plan was to live with a friend where I have to pay rent over the summer, so saving money was going to be an even bigger obstacle, and now I would be separated from my brother and sister law which I was very excited to be spending time with.  This awesome plan that I created for myself in my head started to seem like a curse. A week before school ended I got a call that a women named Janelle, who works with my friend, wants me to live with her for free this summer. I was very skeptical to live with someone I had never met before, although this was the best route for me to take to save money. I was filled with lots of anger that things were not going my way, that I would be separated from all my friends and family in a stranger's home, that I have to work two jobs because money is tight and my famous complaint that I often tell myself, "I never get what I want."

I met Janelle the day before I moved in and she was very kind to me. As I was moving in to my new room Janelle's husband, Doc, came out to help me. Janelle said, "Oh Doc would you take it easy! Alyssa, give him the small boxes, he's going blind."
I was taken back but I quickly realized that Doc was literally going blind in both of his eyes! I grabbed the giant boxes and he smiled with the most warming smile I have ever seen, and continued to help me.
Doc saw my running shoes and asked if I liked to run and I told him I loved to.
"We should go running together sometime, I run pretty slow but I run everyday to Eureka Park," Doc said to me. I asked how far that was from their house, knowing that it was not close at all.
"Ahhh, it's about 5 miles," Doc said very casually.
Okay, at this moment I realized something is very different about this elder couple, especially Doc.
I sat down with Doc and Janelle to go over some of my schedule and their house rules. I explained I would be up very early to work out before I have to work at 8 and Doc said he would be up as well and would make me coffee. My skeptical heart began warming up to my new Mom and Dad for the summer.

The first night I came home from babysitting, Doc and Janelle were in the living room watching Gilmore Girls (which was so hilarious to me). I sat down with them to visit and started to put the pieces together about my mystery foster parents.
Doc had been a pastor at a church in Austin (my home town) for 13 years and is now preaching to various students in China. He had traveled all over Asia to preach the gospel and he Skype's students in China to teach them English using the Bible. He told me a story that once he was preaching in an underground church in China and the police had came in the lobby so all the church hid Doc in the bathroom to protect him. Religion is very restricted there and they could get arrested for speaking about Jesus in their country.
Doc is leaving for China to preach and meet with his students for two months on Thursday. Eventually, in about a year from now, Doc and Janelle are going to move to China to minister full time.
The Lord right then and there opened my eyes to show me that he placed me in a very special home to grow me this summer.
It has been very hard for me to accept that this summer will be filled by lots of hard work and minimum amount of play time but I am clear on why I am here. I am not here to please my selfish needs, I am here to grow in my relationship with God and He sure did make sure I was somewhere where His word is relevant.

He's chasing after me even when my heart is hard and angry. It's the most graceful love I will ever receive.

Pray for Doc's journey to China! I am excited to see what I will learn here in my new home.

Love, Alyssa

Mother's Day

Mother's day really is just a Hallmark holiday but recognizing everything mother's do for us is not such a bad thing to celebrate. There is nothing else this world can give us that is anything like a motherly love.

Since I was about two years old my mom has been moving mountains for me and my little sister. Through all the times I have lied to her, been unappreciative of her and have hurt her she has never stopped loving me and I do not deserve it by any means. For this mother's day I really want to recognize the things my mom has done for me that have really shaped who I am today.

For as long as I can remember my mom has had the hardest work ethic. I have never seen her half-ass anything in my life. When she needs to work until 8 PM to get the job done she will work until 9 PM. Her career has always been important to her and I've always recognized that but at times, I couldn't understand why work was so important. My mom gives 150% to everything she does in order to provide for me, my sister and herself.

Any heart break, failure or pain I've experienced in my life my mom has experienced with me. Despite what I may have told myself in the past, I know now that there has yet to be a day go by where she has not been on my side rooting for me. If she could she would put me in a little box because she is so terrified of the world hurting me, but since she can't do that she has willingly gone through hell and back with me.

As a single parent she has had to be the mother and father, though it exhausts her, she was made for the role. There are some funny stories I cherish of our pipes bursting and A/C going out, or even all of us girls screaming when a lizard gets in the house. My life would look so different if we didn't have those hilarious moments because a dad was there to fix everything up. She had relationships but she never would let a man take over her entire life because my sister and I came first. She taught me to love everyone but be an independent woman at the same time and I am forever grateful.

Any part of me that is good comes from the goodness of her.
I have a heart to travel and experience the whole world, something my mom gave me.
I have an extremely sociable side and a side where I love to be alone, something my mom gave me.
I have a hard work ethic, something my mom gave me.
I have a love for writing, something my mom gave me.

If I become even half of the woman my mom is today, I would be one heck of a gal!

I love you Mom, Happy Mother's Day!
-Alyssa