Tuesday, July 7, 2015

I love myself!

Summer where did you go? July hit me like a bus!

As the month of June passed, so did my anxieties and fears of being alone. One thing that has really been revealed to me is that loneliness is a fear that a person CAN overcome. I have always been the person to fill up every single second of every day with a to-do list. I fill up my schedule until I have no room to breathe and suddenly, when summer came around, I had hours in the day when all my friends were at work and I was stuck with nobody but myself. I thought that to be alone meant that all I had was time to let my dark thoughts consume me. I started picking up more hours at the restaurant I worked at just so that way I wouldn't have any free time to spare. That backfired on me when my manager asked me not to work for 5 days in a row because I went over my maximum amount of hours for that week. Time became my biggest enemy as I tried to speed it up as fast as I could.

I went back home to celebrate my 19th birthday with my family and friends and for 48 hours I probably only slept a total of 6 because I was so jam-packed with company. I was constantly with people, conversation was continually flowing or I was on the move to my next destination. I spent the daylight soaking up the sun with people so familiar to me that I felt as if I never left home. I appeared to be so free in the sense that I had not one hour of loneliness and I thought to myself, "this is how I should feel all the time." I even faced my fears and had breakfast with someone who I thought I could never forgive and a terrible memory of a person became a peaceful one. Everything was wonderful, my emotions were controlled and for the first time in a while I felt at ease. I drove back to Denton after my restless birthday weekend and the second I walked in my room of the empty house I was staying in, my lungs closed up on me. I started sweating and crying as a wave of pure fear hurled over me. I was alone. I paced back and forth as I tried to control my anxiety attack. There was no conversation, no familiar faces, no laughter around me. Silence could not get any louder. I had no idea what to do so I prayed to God to give me peace. I finally controlled my breathing and tears and began writing in my journal every emotion I had just experienced.

The next day, I went to the square (downtown Denton) and sat on the grass with a few books and journals. I tried to read, I tried to write, but I felt this need to do absolutely nothing. So I did. I lied in the grass with my eyes closed for about an hour and did nothing. I had no dark thoughts, no anxiety attacks, no feelings. All that I could feel was the warm air on my skin and all I could hear was the buzz of life around me. All of a sudden it wasn't so bad to be by myself. I could feel God asking me, "why don't you trust me?"

The Lord has given me so much peace in overcoming the fear of being alone. I get lost in books, I write until I cannot move my hand, I go on long early morning runs and I make healthier meals for myself. I have been given time to myself to do nothing but love myself. To love yourself is something that is not often practiced in this world and I am overwhelmed with joy and gratefulness that I have been given such blissful time to find the things that truly make me happy.

What is it that you love about yourself?

Praise God for such an amazing lesson!