Sunday, August 2, 2015

Heavy Heart

I use to think it was normal to feel down or depressed. ‘Everyone gets sad, everyone needs to numb the pain somehow. Bad things happen to all people so you ride the wave and it eventually will pass, that’s how life works, right?’ As I’ve distanced myself from the town I’ve grown up in and have become independent, I feel like I am running away from the murky waters that everyone I love is drowning in. When I visit home it’s as if I’m standing at the edge of those waters begging people to grab my hand but I am too weak to pull them out. I am weak, it’s true! I don’t know how to drag people out of their mess but something inside of me aches to every day. Lately, my heart has been heavy with the burdens of loved ones and as much as I want to tell these people my thoughts I can’t seem to get them out vocally so I’ll try it here...

A letter to the broken:
Waking up gets harder and going to sleep becomes easier. Conversations with people you have known your whole life are empty. The drunken social gatherings isn’t a weekend hobby anymore but the only time you are comfortable. Or, the thought of being surrounded by anyone feels like hard work that you are too burnt out to give. It’s not normal, I don’t know why it has ever been perceived by society that these shifts in emotions and demeanor in a young adolescent’s life is normal. I have encountered too many people that are more comfortable with being broken than they are with seeking joy. You may read this as entirely too cheesy and emotional but it has never been so clear to me how many people are in a place of despair that believe it’s where they belong.
My very best friend said, “if something were to happen to me, if I died tomorrow, I would be totally fine with it.” Someone I care about very much said, “I just can’t wait to meet someone that loves me as much as I love them.” I wanted to grab their faces in those moments and shake them. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, “I wouldn’t be totally fine with it!”... “I love you as much as you love me, hell... I probably love you more!” But I didn’t say a thing. I am one person and the way I love them will not give them the light they are so desperately searching for.
Love yourself my dear friends! Find that thing that makes you happy like no other mere human being can fulfill. Leave and go places you’ve never been before that will cause you to distort the way you have always looked at the world. For some reason leaving is a way of discovering yourself and maybe you will discover that your heart is indeed broken and it’s time for you to fix it. PLEASE forgive yourself, forgive others, otherwise the bitterness inside of you will consume every aspect of your life.
I can’t stop thinking about what I can do or say but there’s nothing. I truly believe that The Lord has a plan for everyone and I am trying to fit my way into everyone’s plan but I am learning maybe it’s not my place. I can’t wait to see these people I love come to a place of peace.

I’m praying for light in the dark places of this world.